Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
