I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just pee around me
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
