morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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