I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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