I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize