just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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