No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
