do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
