I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
