I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
