Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
And my parents said I crawled through the house
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
