He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
