Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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