My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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