my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Operation Purity has been aborted
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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