Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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