Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
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