well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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