that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
