That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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