i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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