I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
