I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
porn star boner night. come get it.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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