I must be too annoying 4 u.
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
