Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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