I puked a lego.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
