i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
