So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
