I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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