they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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