she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
