I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
