My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
