He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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