I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
