how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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