life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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