Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
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