he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My feet surprised me
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
