i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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