Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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