just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
