hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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