I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
