Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
