so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
