This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
should my penis look like a turkey
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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