just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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