everyone is single if you try hard enough
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
