Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
