New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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