We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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