Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
