Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
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She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
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I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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