Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I am midnight drunk by noon
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
