he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
