I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
